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Wednesday, October 22nd, 2003
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| Time: | 11:08 pm. |
| Mood: | flattered. |
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"ok, well, see anyone else i wouldnt respond to it,
you're really the only one i'll talk to about anything
serious in my life, because you already know alot
about me, and i dunno why i just dont like people
knowing too much about me, but it's easIER to tell you
things becuase you already know alot and you
understand a little better than other people would.
so i'll respond to that one soooooon, once i get back
to it.
henneli"
Awww....
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, February 4th, 2003
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Ok... I answered my own question (though your comments are still more than welcome). I decided that for both of these cases, it is better sometimes to work through it myself... because saying something could make things worse. Sometimes I'm being irrational, and I KNOW that it's not a good idea to press the send button on that email, or say something to the person when I talk to him or her... and the thing with emails is that you can say a lot more because you have time to re-read, edit, and really think about what you're saying, and you don't have to look the individual in the face. And once it's sent, that's it. That's why, Annie, I decided in the case of Christa just to let it go. It would probably start an email war, as I said. I COULD just not write back if she responded, but a) I'm sure whatever she would say would rile me up so much that I'd make a REALLY nasty response, and b) Ignoring it would make her feel like she's "won," and I can't have that because she needs to realize that she is not better than every single other person on this earth. Therefore, I wrote out what I wanted to say, debated sending it, put it in my "drafts" folder, and finally decided not to. That way, it was still a catharsis... it still helped to imagine in my head that she would actually read it (Implicit audience! Hehe, Learned about that last year). The same thing applies to the other situation - saying something about that might just bring harm, and I don't want to mess anything up. When I react immediately, I am liable to say or do anything... but if I DON'T react right away and I have time to "cool down" or think it over, then I realize how either stupid, useless, or "more likely to do harm" my initial reaction is/was. This is not me "chickening out," it's just calming down and realizing it's not something to be upset over - not something worth my time worrying about or fighting over (like the Christa thing.... I want nothing to do with her, so I'm ending it here). So there you go. There's my whole reasoning process on this. Sorry for being so vague, everyone... but you don't need to know the info to understand my thought process. And, I still am above all things a very private person. :) Sorry that there are no juicy details. ;-P
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Friday, January 24th, 2003
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I am excited for Photo in general, but especially for the final project. I am going to photograph gravestones and churches (yes, how "mall goth" of me). For the gravestone piece of it, I'm going to take a trek to Mount Wollaston, Salem (hopefully), John Hancock in Boston, Sandwich to get that little graveyard that juts out into the water, Dennis, Natick (to photograph this weird, random building with a cross on it out on a pier of sorts that Nick and I drove by once), as well as some other places. This will be really cool; I've been looking at websites devoted to these types of photos, and they look really awesome. It's very dark. Many of the photos I've seen on these sites were taken at night using interesting flash and shutter techniques... really amazing. I am so excited. Oh, and for the landscapes assignment, depending on when it's due and if I can do it, I am gonna go to the Cranberry bogs, Annie. How awesome will those pics be, especially if it's around the beginning of Spring?? Ooh, I'm excited!
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Monday, January 20th, 2003
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I am having too much fun with these icons.
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Thursday, January 16th, 2003
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After talking about this god stuff in my other journal, I realize extra that I need some kind of.... spirituality in my life. I feel it there, like in the core of myself. I yearn for it, actually. I look up books on natural magic, because I FEEL nature... but all I ever find is books on Wicca, and I do NOT believe in Diana or Pan. Annie, I know that you know what I mean, at least. We both have this, like, "essence" in us, but I feel helpless because I don't know what to do with it. Also, I am so skeptical that it is hard for me to buy into anything, or believe that anything I do will produce real results, and won't just be due to chance or probability. I have been told I'm a "natural medium," and I can see that somewhat.... I am highly intuitive, which helps in my understanding of other people - their thoughts and/or motives for things.
ARG, this frustrates me. I need..... something, I just don't know what.
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Wednesday, January 8th, 2003
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"Dear jenna, thank you for your "kind" words. If you should like to get together let me know. Although I believe you are not old enough to drink. You can contact me at cpt1stguards@hotmail.com Cheers, M. Szkolka"
Haha, "kind" words... I didn't even say anything THAT snide... YET. Oh boy. Annie, I wish you were here to come too..... this is so exciting. Szkolky. I have to tell SaraH, too. I miss this man. Hehe. I want Drapeau to hang out too, but without the wife, cuz she makes him all..... weird. I didn't even think he would write back, hehehehehe.........
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Tuesday, November 5th, 2002
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Horoscope:
"Expressions of displeasure bring out a scary side. Look your best even if you're thinking the worst. All of this happy talk doesn't seem to lead anywhere now, but tomorrow's surprise will make up for it."
hmm. yeah.
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Saturday, November 2nd, 2002
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ARGH, I feel so disgusting and hideous!!!! And besides that, more importantly, I am sooooooo freakin' uncomfortable with this thing on, and it's driving me nuts. I can't wait for it to come off, but I'm so nervous about my vision. Really scary stuff, eyesight is. Be very careful with it, everyone. :-/
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Tuesday, October 29th, 2002
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Ok guys, I went back and made all the "important" entries "friends-only... just in case tons of people find this. So, I added the people who have LJ as my friends, and for everyone else, I'm sorry... I'm sure you won't want to go back and re-read it though, so it's ok. :)
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Monday, October 28th, 2002
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i love driving alone at night at very high speeds, observing all the lights of boston, with my music up so loud that it almost can't go any higher - so loud that if my mom or dad heard it, i would most certainly be getting yelled at about my hearing or such nonsense. i love singing out loud and making an ass out of myself doing stuff i don't do in front of other people. i could drive for 3 or 4 hours this way and not care, it's so great.
(emojenna!) hehe.
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Thursday, October 24th, 2002
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I know you want me
But caution inspires
Your tamed indifference
Won't challenge me
Could it, could it be
Love's what you deny me?
This spoiled seduction
Intoxicates thee,
So balanced on my halo
You long secretly
Could it, could it be
Love's what you deny me?
Don't deny yourself
'Cause I know what you want
You can't deny me
We'll be together
So try to run, love
But you won't get away
Could it, could it be
Love's what you deny me?
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| Subject: | "Vision" |
| Time: | 1:07 am. |
| Mood: |  quixotic. | | Music: | Lacuna Coil! On the Stonehill station!. |
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"It's the rain that I hear coming,
Not a stranger or a ghost -
It's the quiet of a storm approaching
That I fear the most..."
An image I see:
It is night....very late, to be more specific. I am in the neighborhood behind my house. The glow of the moon is the only light present. It is autumn, as the temperature is brisk but the trees still have their leaves. It smells like fall also - that crisp scent of fireplaces and crunchy, fallen leaves. I am wearing some sort of nightgown, long and flowing...and the funny thing is that I am not cold, though I should be. There is no one around. No sign of life, except for one other, whom I cannot see, nor name.
I do not hear the sound of cars, people, general commotion... all I do hear is the slight howling of the wind and rustling of the trees. The most important thing about this image is the feeling that accompanies it. I feel as though I am looking for something.... searching. This is very hard to explain, but there is this energy all around me, in everything ... I can feel it. What is most prominent is the feeling that I am alone - everyone but this one other individual is gone. To where, I don't know....
And I don't know what I am searching for.......
Any thoughts?? I keep seeing this, in flashes. The sensation hits me so strongly that I feel it in my gut. Why this has been happening so often lately, I don't understand. This is NOT a dream - I do not want to interpret it as such, because it is a waking sensation and thought.
hmmmmmm......
"It's marching through my door now...
The stony cold of lonesome.
A bell tolls for my heart and now my lonesome song begins..."
This is just cuz I was bored and needed to be busy while listening to John's radio show, hehe:
I see: my computer (clever, huh?)
I need: friendship, love, knowledge
I find: what i look for where i least expect it.
I want: happiness, knowledge
I have: awesome friends
I wish: for a lot of things.
I love: happiness, quietude, music, fun times, love
I hate: liars, hypocrites, stupidity, and ignorance
I miss: being in love WITHOUT some of the crap that came along.... i miss just totally giving in and being enraptured. (good word)
I fear: giving up, not succeeding, being alone (but I think I could deal)
I feel: determined, content
I hear: music
I smell: my candle
I crave: rain
I search: myself
I wonder: endlessly
I regret: I try not to regret much, but there are some things....
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Sunday, October 13th, 2002
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This is my new semi-private journal. If you're reading this, feel special. :) I'll explain why I made this later.
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